Parent Support Group!

[Lillium]

My parenting classes gifted me a newborn layette today. :) They do this for all their pregnant moms in their final month of pregnancy, but since they've cancelled the subsequent classes for the holidays and will not have them again until 2 days after my due date, I got to take mine home today. 

I can post pics of it for those who are interested, or for those who are friends with me on facebook, I've posted the pictures there already in my pregnancy photo album. 

[Emily]

Not to derail the thread.

K and I went to AA for the first time yesterday.  We tried looking into SMART recovery, and while the self help was a little helpful, they did not have a local support group.  I'm going to attend with him until he says he no longer needs me to be there for support (he requested that I be there with him until he decides if he wants to fully commit to it or pursue an alternative form of treatment).  At that time, I'll be attending the support group for family members of alcoholics.

Good luck in AA. I've attended my first meeting of SOS Sobriety on Monday and I really enjoyed it. For me it discussed why I drank and how to find an alternative to drinking and not just listen to stories by other alcoholics about what alcohol has done. I found it to be a much more relaxed environment than AA, and honestly, AA scares me anyways (though I am still court ordered to go).

They've got meetings all over the country. You live in Washington, right?

Here's a list of Washington meeting places.

http://www.sossobriety.org/meetings/states.htm#Washington

One thing to note about this organization is that there website sucks.

[Lillium]

^There's an atheist alcoholic in the A.A. group and they were discussing ways to move on with one's life, maintain sobriety, and learn to take on new hobbies/ activities to help feel useful and distract from the need to drink.  It's a pretty relaxed environment too.  :) It's run by a really understanding group of individuals who rent space at the local church on the University campus.  They're not as "preachy" about god as I anticipated them to be.

That said, there's not a SOS within a 50 mile radius of me.  The closest one is at least 85 miles away.  Thanks for the information though! If I ever move to (or near) one of those cities, we'll definitely check it out. :)

[Emily]

Not to derail the thread but I have a question. Since I've got not friends and my husband and sister just left town for the weekend I thought I'd give a shot and post here to just let out some steam.

Is depression common during pregnancy, and how does one cope with it? I'm bipolar and I don't know if i'm in one of those states, or depressed because of pregnancy. It kind of sucks. I used to be on antidepressants but since I have a nasty habit of abusing whatever I put into my body, I've stopped taking them, though my psychiatrist said it's OK for expecting mothers. I'm struggling with not drinking (been sober for almost two months) and for some reason I've been craving a cigarette even though I quit smoking in June. I wish I had never gotten into all that crap. I'm regretful for it. It doesn't help that I keep on playing this song (chose tinyurl because I didn't want to embed the video. The link is to youtube). I have to go to AA, and have to go to out-patient rehab for legal issues I have. I'm just so f**ked up and so stubborn that nothing really works for me. I went out ice skating the other day because I love to skate and that helped ease some things. Maybe I'll go back to the rink tonight. I thought this would be the happiest moment in my life, but it's turning out to be the opposite.

This is just a rant. I'm cool, though. No worries. Been here before, got out before. Just another revolution on a never ending record in the life of Emily.


//rant mode off

^There's an atheist alcoholic in the A.A. group and they were discussing ways to move on with one's life, maintain sobriety, and learn to take on new hobbies/ activities to help feel useful and distract from the need to drink.  It's a pretty relaxed environment too.  :) It's run by a really understanding group of individuals who rent space at the local church on the University campus.  They're not as "preachy" about god as I anticipated them to be.

That said, there's not a SOS within a 50 mile radius of me.  The closest one is at least 85 miles away.  Thanks for the information though! If I ever move to (or near) one of those cities, we'll definitely check it out. :)

That's good. The meetings I've been going to are more like frat houses where people brag about how much they drink/drank and offer me no help.

[Maggie the Opinionated]

Oh Emily. Depression is quite common in pregnancy. Hormones are rampaging throughout your body and brain right now. You should definitely tell your doctor as soon as possible because you do not have to struggle through this alone or without help, either medical or support group. I'm guessing that the other mothers here can add some useful advice.

Here is a site I found that looks to have reasonable explanations and advice: http://www.babycenter.com/0_depression-during-pregnancy_9179.bc

[Jezzebelle]

during and after is a roller coaster of everything.  the 6 weeks after is normally the worst of any of it... everything leaving your body all at once, coupled with no sleep?  ugh, have a good support system in place because they'll be sometimes when you just need it.

I would say do fun things for you, like skating, getting a massage, nails done, etc.  enjoy the last few months of being able to come and go as you please :D

[Lillium]

I have bipolar I disorder, Emily.  During my first pregnancy, per doctor's instructions, I went the entire pregnancy (upon finding out about it at 2-3 weeks pregnant according to blood work/ ultrasounds) without medication.  The first 20 weeks, for me, was filled with depression and thoughts of suicide that scared me.  I knew that I didn't wish to die, and knew that I had someone growing inside me worth staying alive for, but my mind would occasionally have thoughts like, "I wonder what it would feel like if I jumped in front of that train" or "Would anyone really notice if I jumped out of this car and off a freeway overpass?" the thoughts, and depression, were frightening and confusing.  After all, pregnancy is supposed to be a happy life moment, right?

After 20 weeks, my pregnancy was filled with mood swings.  I'd be crying tears of joy one moment, and then lashing out in anger the next, and then weeping in misery shortly thereafter, only to start laughing with euphoria not minutes later.

The entire pregnancy was filled with sleepless nights, stress over finances, stress over my childhood home, and stress about my performance in school.  Despite continuing to see a therapist, doctors, mental health professionals, none of this went away.  Then, 2 weeks 5 days after giving birth, I had postpartum psychosis and was hospitalized for about 8 days in a mental ward of a hospital. (1 in 1000 women get postpartum psychosis after childbirth).

Some pregnancy blues are normal, but I would definitely speak with your doctor about your options during this pregnancy for treating depression during your pregnancy.  Please be careful and take care of yourself, Emily. 

During this pregnancy, I've never felt more content/ happy with myself.  I'm following my doctor's instructions--both the OB and the Psych. Doc--and am taking low dosages of the anti-psychotic I normally take when not pregnant (per doctor order).  I also have an emotional support pet who has been a great help with my condition as well.  None of the problems during pregnancy 1 have reoccurred during this pregnancy, and baby tests have shown baby to be perfectly healthy thus far.

[kevin]

I'm guessing that the other mothers here can add some useful advice.

don't need to be a mother to know that.

i lived through five pregnancies in my house, and i know when to cut and run.

[Lillium]

I'm guessing that the other mothers here can add some useful advice.

don't need to be a mother to know that.

i lived through five pregnancies in my house, and i know when to cut and run.

Yes, but do you know what it is like to be pregnant and have depression at the same time, and can thus offer advice with specific techniques that have helped improve it?

Also... You are a male and have been through 5 pregnancies with your partner... that means you could offer advice based upon your observations/ experiences being there with her... so I'm not trying to say that your opinion here is completely invalid... but the "I know when to cut and run" bit would be more advice for dads, not the pregnant ladies.  Pregnant ladies can only become non-pregnant through abortion, child birth or pregnancy loss.  Partners of pregnant ladies can easily "cut and run" if it becomes too stressful.

Anyway, through your wife's pregnancies, did you notice anything that she tried that was helpful in alleviating any pregnancy blues/ depression? Also, what were some ways you were able to support her through times like those?  (The answers to these questions, I feel, would be helpful to the conversation).

[kevin]

well, she doesn't smoke or drink, so those were out. washing dishes barefoot in the kitchen relieved a lot of stress, as it allowed her to exercise her femininity in an uninhibited manner.

mostly she continued working as a technical writer in silicon valley, until the last month or so, with the first one. after that we were beekeepers and lived in cotton fields and on canal banks, so thing were pretty calm, in general.

here's the number one son and the number one daughter, the morning after she was born.



mostly pretty mellow

[Maggie the Opinionated]

I think we might want to put the focus back on Emily. GG is right. Neither you, as a male, nor I as a woman who has not given birth can really know what it is like.

However, I think it is safe to assume that there is help out there and that a stop at the doctor's office is in order.

[kevin]

yes. that's very true, and i've been close enough to the experience to know that it's not something that i can comprehend. you have to have one to know what it's like.

but quite seriously, em, if you're experiencing a level of depression that's distressing to you, then definitely ask a pro about it. i don't know what sort of birth you're planning, but midwives see expectant mothers under non-clinical conditions, at home, and may have some insights that a psychaiatrist or a psychologist (or an obstetrician, for that matter) may not have.

this is a good place to ask questions. but also look for people who do it for a living.

[Jezzebelle]

I think the most important thing is being able to ask for help when you need it.  Don't be afraid that "you're a bad mom", or "you shouldn't be feeling this way", or whatever else goes through your head if you need some extra help... ask a doc, tell your spouse, call your family, anything.

[Gnu Ordure]

I thought this would be the happiest moment in my life, but it's turning out to be the opposite.

Em, one way to think about this is that any change in one's life, regardless of whether the change is desired, involves a sense of loss or bereavement.

If a couple decide to have a child, they lose a lot. For a start, they're no longer a couple, they're a triple. Many fathers become jealous of their new-born children, because the mother is so focussed on the baby. (And then they feel guilty for feeling jealous, because fathers aren't supposed to feel jealous).

And the parent's relationship changes, because they have less time to be alone together, less time to talk, and less time to make love.

They also lose their independence, because the new arrival is totally dependent on them. They have to behave responsibly, whether they feel like it or not. They're not as free as they were before.

Do you see what I mean, Em? You are giving up your old life, and part of you is grieving for that loss. Part of you is angry, and sad, and scared about all these changes. And rationally so, because the changes are deep and real.

And as you say, expectant mothers (and fathers) are supposed to be ecstatically happy and optimistic and so on; 'negative' feelings aren't allowed.

So, I'm saying that it's reasonable for you to have ambivalent feelings about your situation. 

[Lillium]

^Yes, the feelings are normal; however, it is especially important for Emily to discuss these concerns with her medical team since she has a mental illness (bipolar disorder) and pregnant women with mental illnesses are especially susceptible to experience mental health issues both during pregnancy and postpartum.  Even if it what she is feeling is the normal, run of the mill, pregnancy blues, it is safer to err on the side of precaution.

You do describe the experience quite well though. :) Even though the baby, who is (and will be) loved, is wanted, it is entirely normal to mourn the loss of one's old life as it transitions into something new, with greater obligations and responsibilities. 

[Lillium]

I think I will keep my nose out of this thread hereafter. I am not a parent and there is just a tad too much raw life information in it about matters I don't want to know about!

You have furry children (well, pets if you don't see them as children)! You may even have nieces and nephews and experience with children.  You've heard the saying "it takes a village to raise a child", right? This is an open group for support, so all sorts people are welcome (as long as they're not disruptive).

[Emily]

Thanks for the advice guys. I don't know what happened yesterday. For some reason I just felt horrible about everything, along with my two best friends going to Pennsylvania for the weekend felt emptiness with no one to talk to, and a lot of other stress just trying to burst away. I felt it building up in the last couple of weeks and yesterday it just exploded. I do see a psychiatrist every now and then and I'm gonna call next week to discuss some things.  I still kind of feel a bit upset and down but today I had to work so i feel somewhat fine.

I've been evaluating myself and realized I have little hobbies. As I mentioned, skating is one of them. I love it, and have loved it since I was 6, but as the weeks pass skating, it will probably be off the list for obvious reasons, which will be one thing I will have to give up after doing it for perhaps 3 or 4 times a week. So I need to find more things to take up as hobbies, other than that and my computer.

The biggest thing, I think, is that I've never really been responsible and in June I'll be responsible for another life. I keep thinking that I can (could) hardly take care of my own life, let alone another. The last fourteen years I've spent pretty much carelessly; however I can snap into "responsible mode" at the drop of a hat. But as I said, I'm going to call me doctor on Monday to set up an appointment to discuss some things.

Thanks again, guys. Ya'll rock.

[kevin]

i don't see you as having responsibility problems.

the people who have responsibility problems never worry about it.

[Maggie the Opinionated]

Emily, I am so glad to hear that you have a better perspective on things and a plan! Don't let your imagination scare you about the future though. The thing about being responsible for a baby is that you don't have to know it all on day 1. You and the baby will grow together.

Have you got names in mind yet?

[Emily]

i don't see you as having responsibility problems.

the people who have responsibility problems never worry about it.

Thank you, and you're right.

Have you got names in mind yet?

So far only for a girl: Tricia Marie. That was my husband's grandmother's name and he was very close to her. She was a very sweet lady and I love the name. We never considered other names for a girl because that name is very sentimental to him. We've been so occupied with hoping for a girl that we've forgotten it could be a boy. With that said we'd love a boy all the same.

[kevin]

open a thread and start a contest:

NAME EMILY'S BABY

the old french name HORTENSE means "gardener," a lovely earthy name. how about that one?

or maybe DEMELZA . . . fort on a hill . . .

[Lillium]

Hortense grows a who?

[Lillium]

This may not yet be relevant for me, considering I have a fetus and can't teach a fetus about Santa, but I have a question:

Is it worth teaching about Santa (Easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc.) to my children? I mean, it kind of seems like a lie, to be honest, and while I want them to experience the joy of these holidays, I don't want to eventually break their hearts and have them think I've been dishonest with them.  This may be a silly non-issue, but I was never taught to believe in any of those things.  No pastel bunny that pooed chocolate eggs, no magical fat man that left presents under trees, no mystical fairy breaking and entering my home at night.  Santa was whoever gave me a gift on Christmas.  The Easter bunny was a cute mascot for the holiday celebrating Jesus's resurrection.  The tooth fairy was my parents, who gave me $1 just for losing a tooth.  I guess I'm unsure about how to teach children these things, or if it's even worth it, so I thought I'd ask for feedback.

[kevin]

it doesn't kind of seem like a lie.

it is a lie.

if lying to people is okay, then there's no problem. otherwise, there is.

[Lillium]

Some pictures for everyone to see!

http://imgur.com/a/TMGGd

The above is a photo album of baby's nursery gear.

The below is a picture of me from my 2011 baby shower, 12 days postpartum:

[Maggie the Opinionated]

Wow, it looks like that little girl has every possible thing she could need or want!

[Emily]

Wow, it looks like that little girl has every possible thing she could need or want!

ha, yes it does. Looks good, GamerGirl. That baby going to have a good life.

My husband has already begun working on the furniture for baby girl Tricia or baby boy No Name. He plans on building all the furniture himself, to save money and because building furniture is what he does for a living, except for the crib, since he has never built one and wants it to be as safe as possible, so we're going to buy that instead. He almost finished the frame for a glider, and plans on upholstering it sometime next week. He also bought plenty of dry wall for when we finally get around to moving our computers and other fun toys to the basement so he can build the baby's bedroom.

Ugh, the next couple of months will consist of him pounding away with his hammer. I think I might need to find a hotel room to avoid the mess he'll make in our home  ..........

Good luck, GamerGirl! Keep up updated as much as possible.

[Lillium]

Thanks Maggie and Emily! :D

I created a facebook event for the baby's birth designed to keep my long distanced friends and family informed.  So far, Catwixen and Leese are coming.  I've sent invites to Mooby, Style, none, and a few others.  If you'd like to attend, let me know and I'll send a friend request/ invite your way.

Good luck to you guys with construction Emily! Hopefully the repetitive hammering isn't too headache inducing.

[Maggie the Opinionated]

Am I the only person on the planet without a facebook account?

[Meat]

Am I the only person on the planet without a facebook account?

Nope.